Heartbreak, one step at a time.

In September of 2014, I got a letter from a man wanting to be my pen pal. Over the course of six months we wrote each other almost daily. A friendship had formed between us that I felt was solid. Over the course of the next couple months, I had developed feelings for him and he said he felt the same way. I had helped him out when he needed, well anything. I was glad to help because I loved him and I thought he loved me too. On the phone we talked about everything from the mundane to our future and dreams.It was a long distance relationship and we were both counting the days until we could finally be together. Or at least, I thought “we” both had the same feelings. When I would doubt myself or my own self-worth he always knew what to say to make me feel like I was the prettiest woman in the world. He made me feel like what I had to say was the most important words ever spoken. I had never posted a picture of myself online, ever until him. He made me feel safe enough to come out of my self-imposed cage. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the universe. All he had to do was same my name and I would melt. I was happy to listen to him talk about any and everything, as long as he was in my life I was happy. I felt complete, whole. He was the last thing I thought of when I went to sleep and the first thing when I woke up. Then on the day he was suppose to call and make arrangements about meeting each other, our future and everything he never called. Nothing. I was worried and scared that something had happened to him. Then out of the blue I looked him on Facebook and there he was… perfectly fine. I sent him a couple messages..no reply.. I sent him a friend request and he blocked me. I was stunned and heartbroken. How could he do this to me? How could I have been so blind and foolish? Everyone warned me but I didn’t listen because I felt this connection with this man. I am completely shattered. I feel the loss deep in my soul.

I cannot allow myself to give up. I have to fight my way out of the darkness that I have found myself in. All I can I do is take one breath at a time and push on.

Love

Love. One of the strongest emotions that someone can feel. From falling in love, to having your heart broken for the first time.  Do you remember the first time you found yourself in love with someone? From the butterflies in the pit of stomach every time you saw that special person. When just the sound of their voice makes you smile. A slight touch makes you shiver from head to toe with anticipation. Just being in the same room with them you feel like you are the only two in the room. When you go without contact for more than a couple hours you feel like it’s the end of the world? Those feelings that come with falling in love. It really does not matter how old you are you either. Whether you are 16 or 76.
  Just like falling out love with someone that you use to love more than anything in the world can leave you riddled with guilt and remorse. If you happen to have fallen in love with someone along the way, having the conflict emotions can be hard to deal with and understand. Love is messy, unpredictable, crazy wonderful all at the same time.
Bob Marley has a quote that I really like. Actually, he has more than one, but right now this one comes to my mind.“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”
Not everyone will be lucky to find someone that they truly, deeply love in their lifetime. I have been lucky and have found love twice now. Both incredibly different people. What about you, have you found love?