An open letter to the man that broke my heart

To the man, that broke my heart,
  I wanted to let you know that I owe you a thank you. Yes, you hurt me but that is life and in the long run, it is your loss. You are missing out on an outstanding, loyal and damn right awesome person. That choice is yours.
  I wanted to thank you for dragging me out of the self-imposed exile I had put myself into the year before you came into my life. Thank you for being a friend to me and being hard on me at times. It was what I needed at the time. Thank you for making me realize that yes I am worthy of having happiness in my life.
  I will always care for you more than I probably should but you helped save me at a very dark period of my life. I do not know if I would even be here if it weren't for you. Thank you.
  I have had some time to think about things. I will be honest and open with you, I wish you would answer me. I would like to know if it was all game to you. If I ever meant anything to you.  Perhaps you are ashamed of what I look like and don't want anyone to judge you about our... whatever it was. If that is true, then I am really disappointed in you. I fully understand, though. I was ashamed of me for a while too. If all the I love yous and so on was ever true or if I was just a means to an end. Someone to make do with till you had better.
 Even if that is all I was to you, you unwittingly saved me. I am not angry anymore. I was completely and utterly  heartbroken for a while, I know I will make it through and hopefully become a little smarter.  I think I am more sad or disappointed than anything. I do miss when we were friends, even if it was all on my side. I will you nothing but the best for your future and hope you find what you are looking for out there.
  Always,
    Jeannie

Heartbreak, one step at a time.

In September of 2014, I got a letter from a man wanting to be my pen pal. Over the course of six months we wrote each other almost daily. A friendship had formed between us that I felt was solid. Over the course of the next couple months, I had developed feelings for him and he said he felt the same way. I had helped him out when he needed, well anything. I was glad to help because I loved him and I thought he loved me too. On the phone we talked about everything from the mundane to our future and dreams.It was a long distance relationship and we were both counting the days until we could finally be together. Or at least, I thought “we” both had the same feelings. When I would doubt myself or my own self-worth he always knew what to say to make me feel like I was the prettiest woman in the world. He made me feel like what I had to say was the most important words ever spoken. I had never posted a picture of myself online, ever until him. He made me feel safe enough to come out of my self-imposed cage. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the universe. All he had to do was same my name and I would melt. I was happy to listen to him talk about any and everything, as long as he was in my life I was happy. I felt complete, whole. He was the last thing I thought of when I went to sleep and the first thing when I woke up. Then on the day he was suppose to call and make arrangements about meeting each other, our future and everything he never called. Nothing. I was worried and scared that something had happened to him. Then out of the blue I looked him on Facebook and there he was… perfectly fine. I sent him a couple messages..no reply.. I sent him a friend request and he blocked me. I was stunned and heartbroken. How could he do this to me? How could I have been so blind and foolish? Everyone warned me but I didn’t listen because I felt this connection with this man. I am completely shattered. I feel the loss deep in my soul.

I cannot allow myself to give up. I have to fight my way out of the darkness that I have found myself in. All I can I do is take one breath at a time and push on.

Just a few words...

A quick update

  Restless. I am restless and it is exhausting. I cannot get my mind to quieten. It is constantly replaying every thought that happens to comes to my mind. I feel out of place, disjointed. I feel myself wanting to withdraw into myself, knowing that I if I do it would be the worst thing for myself. Then of course add in living with chronic pain and not progressing health wise does nothing to help the whole situation.

I do not do well with change. I am creature of routine. I feel safe within my daily schedule. I have had to deal with a lot of change lately.  I am sure that is one of the reasons for the restlessness. It tends to take me a while to become adjusted to a new routine. Perhaps given time I will adjust to all these changes.

  I have more free time on my hands now so I am going to start back doing book reviews as well as beta reading. I am excited about devouring some good books! Be on the lookout for new reviews soon.

  I have a new kitty cat, Buttercup. I was supposed to be cat sitting her but she decided that this would be her forever home. Who could say no?

Love

Love. One of the strongest emotions that someone can feel. From falling in love, to having your heart broken for the first time.  Do you remember the first time you found yourself in love with someone? From the butterflies in the pit of stomach every time you saw that special person. When just the sound of their voice makes you smile. A slight touch makes you shiver from head to toe with anticipation. Just being in the same room with them you feel like you are the only two in the room. When you go without contact for more than a couple hours you feel like it’s the end of the world? Those feelings that come with falling in love. It really does not matter how old you are you either. Whether you are 16 or 76.
  Just like falling out love with someone that you use to love more than anything in the world can leave you riddled with guilt and remorse. If you happen to have fallen in love with someone along the way, having the conflict emotions can be hard to deal with and understand. Love is messy, unpredictable, crazy wonderful all at the same time.
Bob Marley has a quote that I really like. Actually, he has more than one, but right now this one comes to my mind.“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”
Not everyone will be lucky to find someone that they truly, deeply love in their lifetime. I have been lucky and have found love twice now. Both incredibly different people. What about you, have you found love?

I feel...

I have always prided myself on being comfortable in my own skin, being happy with who I am . I have found that at times that is untrue. I am not comfortable being me sometimes or happy at all for that matter.  At times I can not even bring myself to attempt to fake being happy. At times I feel like it is the whole world against me. I worry that regardless of how hard I try that I won’t be enough for those that are around me. I worry that if they could see behind the fasade that I portray on a daily basis and see the real me hiding behind all my quirkiness they will realize that I am not who I claim to be. An imposter hiding within my soul.
  I feel like there is this whole world that I sit on the side lines, afraid to join in. I watch others around me laugh and smile and go on and on about this and that and I am in awe how easy it seems for them to be happy. Why is it elusive for me to feel that emotion? I can feel the sadness, emptiness, pain, agony, heartbreak and desperation. I know that I am loved. I know that I am wanted. I know this but there is always a part of me that lets me doubt.
  At times I can come off as being confident and self assured. That I am in control of my destiny. That I am in the driver seat and I am gonna kick ass and take names. That I am capable of touching the stars. There is no stopping me. I seem almost ecstatically happy. Of course it never lasts long. I normally crash so hard that it's difficult to even get up and put on that fake smile.
   I have bipolar disorder. I take my medicines every day. I try to stay as busy as I can because otherwise I let my thoughts take me to a very dark place. Even with the meds I have a very difficult days. Here lately it seems that I am having more and more bad days than good ones. I just try to take things one day at a time.

I am back!

I am finally getting out of this funk that I was  in for the last couple months. My doctors have upped my therapy to two hours a week. I have to admit that it has helped some. I feel better than I have in a long time. At first I did not want to do weekly two hour sessions, but it has made a difference. Sometime being bipolar really sucks. Last weekend I had a really manic high couple of days and when I finally crashed it felt like the worst hangover ever.
  I am way behind on my beta reading as well as my reviews. There for a while I just did not have the energy to do anything. I have been on auto pilot just trying to make it through the day. Then, attempting to knock myself out at night just so I didn't have to "be". That is no way to live my friends. I am tying to do better, but I will freely admit it isn't easy at all.
 I have dived back into writing pen pals. I am having a blast! I have been lucky to have found a few really great people. If you are interested, contact me. My email is jeannieholbrook@hotmail.com
You can find me on twitter at JensterRules,, I am on Facebook a lot you can find me on there at https://www.facebook.com/jeannie.holbrook.7. 
 I am gonna go attempt to  get caught.. I will post again soon!