Going for it

Are you sitting down? I will wait while you sit down. Ready now? I have been kicking around the idea of writing a book for years. YEARS. I have no choice but to write one now. I have all kinds of ideas complete with voices in my head now and I have got to get them out. I have no choice at all. They all have made it clear that I will have no peace until I exorcise them. I am not sure what kind of disaster this will be in the end but hopefully it will one helluva adventure getting there, want to join me?  Shoot me an email if you want to take this ride with me.

Here's to 2017

Last year fracking sucked. It.Sucked.Hairy.Balls. I had more dark days than I have had in a very long time. I shut myself away from everything and everyone. I stopped writing. I miss it. I think writing is one of the main things in my life that kept me half-ass sane and without I have gone off kilter, sideways and bent to nearly being so broken I can never be stitched back together. I feel fractured. At times I feel so damn much and other times I wish I could feel anything at all. I know that I am hurting everyone around me and I have so much guilt at times that sometimes make the darkness in my mind ...well we just won't go there at the moment.
  So, I am attempting to fight my way back out from where I have been the last year. Hopefully, I will be able to find a way back a place that isn't so damn messed up. I suppose time will tell, it always does.
 Get prepared I am bringing you along for the ride. Wish me luck and don't forget to put on your seatbelt.

Some of my favorite quotes

An open letter to the man that broke my heart

To the man, that broke my heart,
  I wanted to let you know that I owe you a thank you. Yes, you hurt me but that is life and in the long run, it is your loss. You are missing out on an outstanding, loyal and damn right awesome person. That choice is yours.
  I wanted to thank you for dragging me out of the self-imposed exile I had put myself into the year before you came into my life. Thank you for being a friend to me and being hard on me at times. It was what I needed at the time. Thank you for making me realize that yes I am worthy of having happiness in my life.
  I will always care for you more than I probably should but you helped save me at a very dark period of my life. I do not know if I would even be here if it weren't for you. Thank you.
  I have had some time to think about things. I will be honest and open with you, I wish you would answer me. I would like to know if it was all game to you. If I ever meant anything to you.  Perhaps you are ashamed of what I look like and don't want anyone to judge you about our... whatever it was. If that is true, then I am really disappointed in you. I fully understand, though. I was ashamed of me for a while too. If all the I love yous and so on was ever true or if I was just a means to an end. Someone to make do with till you had better.
 Even if that is all I was to you, you unwittingly saved me. I am not angry anymore. I was completely and utterly  heartbroken for a while, I know I will make it through and hopefully become a little smarter.  I think I am more sad or disappointed than anything. I do miss when we were friends, even if it was all on my side. I will you nothing but the best for your future and hope you find what you are looking for out there.
  Always,
    Jeannie

Heartbreak, one step at a time.

In September of 2014, I got a letter from a man wanting to be my pen pal. Over the course of six months we wrote each other almost daily. A friendship had formed between us that I felt was solid. Over the course of the next couple months, I had developed feelings for him and he said he felt the same way. I had helped him out when he needed, well anything. I was glad to help because I loved him and I thought he loved me too. On the phone we talked about everything from the mundane to our future and dreams.It was a long distance relationship and we were both counting the days until we could finally be together. Or at least, I thought “we” both had the same feelings. When I would doubt myself or my own self-worth he always knew what to say to make me feel like I was the prettiest woman in the world. He made me feel like what I had to say was the most important words ever spoken. I had never posted a picture of myself online, ever until him. He made me feel safe enough to come out of my self-imposed cage. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the universe. All he had to do was same my name and I would melt. I was happy to listen to him talk about any and everything, as long as he was in my life I was happy. I felt complete, whole. He was the last thing I thought of when I went to sleep and the first thing when I woke up. Then on the day he was suppose to call and make arrangements about meeting each other, our future and everything he never called. Nothing. I was worried and scared that something had happened to him. Then out of the blue I looked him on Facebook and there he was… perfectly fine. I sent him a couple messages..no reply.. I sent him a friend request and he blocked me. I was stunned and heartbroken. How could he do this to me? How could I have been so blind and foolish? Everyone warned me but I didn’t listen because I felt this connection with this man. I am completely shattered. I feel the loss deep in my soul.

I cannot allow myself to give up. I have to fight my way out of the darkness that I have found myself in. All I can I do is take one breath at a time and push on.

Just a few words...

A quick update

  Restless. I am restless and it is exhausting. I cannot get my mind to quieten. It is constantly replaying every thought that happens to comes to my mind. I feel out of place, disjointed. I feel myself wanting to withdraw into myself, knowing that I if I do it would be the worst thing for myself. Then of course add in living with chronic pain and not progressing health wise does nothing to help the whole situation.

I do not do well with change. I am creature of routine. I feel safe within my daily schedule. I have had to deal with a lot of change lately.  I am sure that is one of the reasons for the restlessness. It tends to take me a while to become adjusted to a new routine. Perhaps given time I will adjust to all these changes.

  I have more free time on my hands now so I am going to start back doing book reviews as well as beta reading. I am excited about devouring some good books! Be on the lookout for new reviews soon.

  I have a new kitty cat, Buttercup. I was supposed to be cat sitting her but she decided that this would be her forever home. Who could say no?