Some of my favorite quotes

Wondering...

I was sitting here just letting my mind wonder, one of my favorite things to do to pass the time. I was thinking how much different my life is now than it was ten years ago. I was still living hard, for lack of a better word. It kind of boggles my mind at the things that have changed in my life in the last ten years, as well as some things have never changed. At times I miss my old life, or at least the fun parts. I don’t miss the hangovers, lost time, paranoia or trying to stay one step ahead of everyone else.

  I have loved and lost over the years, as I am sure you have as well. I have had really good friends, fair weather friends and backstabbing they can kiss me ass friends. One thing that still remains to the same today as it did then is that I keep fighting through the never ending darkness. If it weren’t for Matt and Mandy I am not sure I would not have  made this far or continue to fight. The are the light at the end of the metaphysical black tunnel that seems to engulf my soul. My simple unconditional love for them keeps me here and wanting to make it another day.

  They both have had and will continue to have battles of their own to conquer. It does sadden me knowing that some of those battles were handed down from me. I know they are stronger than they think and will come out the other side suivors. They have already accomplished more than I did at their age and I hope they continue to flourish and not let their demons hold them back as mine did me.

  On that note I will go for the day.. Take care of yourself and smile for me.

Plans for the year

Another week is coming to a close. January is almost over with and it seems just like yesterday we were welcome the New Year in. I decided to not make any resolutions. Because I knew I would end up breaking them and then feel bad because yet again another set of resolutions have been broken. So I made myself a list of goals, both small and big, that I would like to accomplish by the end of the year. Some are silly, some are practical and  some are more important than others. I tend to procrastinate. We all know this, I have not made a secret of the fact. I always have and I imagine I always will but I would really would like to work on it. To set myself deadlines and try my best to get certain tasked accomplished by the deadline. Lets see how that goes. One of those is to make sure that I post here at least three times a week. Hopefully one you will talk back to me.

I want a change in my life. They only way that is going to happen is by doing it myself. I am doing better than I have compared to this time last year. I am not just talking about health wise. I am taking about mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am still working on everything but I think I have made some real progress both mentally and emotionally. I am still working on my spiritual well being. I am still unsure of what I do believe in and what I don't. I contradict myself in what I think I believe in. I still have a long way to go there.

I think one reason I am doing better with my mental and emotion we being is because I agreed to go back on medication for my bi-polar and multitudes of anxiety disorders ranging for mild OCD to Agoraphobia. The medicine helped with the epic highs and soul shattering downs. This is why people should never ever let me pick the paint color. Ever. I digress the medicine is helping. The right medicine. I have a new doctor and she actually listened to me. Got all of my records going back 15 years. Did lots and lots of blood work. Then took me off of three medicines, changes the strength on a couple and add a couple. So far is seems to be helping some. The darkness is being held at bay.. Kind like the meds are a moat and the evil knight can't cross the moat, but I can see it waiting to attack, always present.

  I have also decided that I would bring you all along for the ride this year. This is the part where you all yell “YAY!” See how lucky you are... just so damn lucky to be drug around by the one and only precarious and slightly demented Jenster. Yes, you are fortune indeed my friend.

 As much as it pains me to go I must for now. See you all soon my sweet friends... and yes you too lurkers... and of course my wonderful stalkers...