Love

Love. One of the strongest emotions that someone can feel. From falling in love, to having your heart broken for the first time.  Do you remember the first time you found yourself in love with someone? From the butterflies in the pit of stomach every time you saw that special person. When just the sound of their voice makes you smile. A slight touch makes you shiver from head to toe with anticipation. Just being in the same room with them you feel like you are the only two in the room. When you go without contact for more than a couple hours you feel like it’s the end of the world? Those feelings that come with falling in love. It really does not matter how old you are you either. Whether you are 16 or 76.
  Just like falling out love with someone that you use to love more than anything in the world can leave you riddled with guilt and remorse. If you happen to have fallen in love with someone along the way, having the conflict emotions can be hard to deal with and understand. Love is messy, unpredictable, crazy wonderful all at the same time.
Bob Marley has a quote that I really like. Actually, he has more than one, but right now this one comes to my mind.“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”
Not everyone will be lucky to find someone that they truly, deeply love in their lifetime. I have been lucky and have found love twice now. Both incredibly different people. What about you, have you found love?

I feel...

I have always prided myself on being comfortable in my own skin, being happy with who I am . I have found that at times that is untrue. I am not comfortable being me sometimes or happy at all for that matter.  At times I can not even bring myself to attempt to fake being happy. At times I feel like it is the whole world against me. I worry that regardless of how hard I try that I won’t be enough for those that are around me. I worry that if they could see behind the fasade that I portray on a daily basis and see the real me hiding behind all my quirkiness they will realize that I am not who I claim to be. An imposter hiding within my soul.
  I feel like there is this whole world that I sit on the side lines, afraid to join in. I watch others around me laugh and smile and go on and on about this and that and I am in awe how easy it seems for them to be happy. Why is it elusive for me to feel that emotion? I can feel the sadness, emptiness, pain, agony, heartbreak and desperation. I know that I am loved. I know that I am wanted. I know this but there is always a part of me that lets me doubt.
  At times I can come off as being confident and self assured. That I am in control of my destiny. That I am in the driver seat and I am gonna kick ass and take names. That I am capable of touching the stars. There is no stopping me. I seem almost ecstatically happy. Of course it never lasts long. I normally crash so hard that it's difficult to even get up and put on that fake smile.
   I have bipolar disorder. I take my medicines every day. I try to stay as busy as I can because otherwise I let my thoughts take me to a very dark place. Even with the meds I have a very difficult days. Here lately it seems that I am having more and more bad days than good ones. I just try to take things one day at a time.

I am back!

I am finally getting out of this funk that I was  in for the last couple months. My doctors have upped my therapy to two hours a week. I have to admit that it has helped some. I feel better than I have in a long time. At first I did not want to do weekly two hour sessions, but it has made a difference. Sometime being bipolar really sucks. Last weekend I had a really manic high couple of days and when I finally crashed it felt like the worst hangover ever.
  I am way behind on my beta reading as well as my reviews. There for a while I just did not have the energy to do anything. I have been on auto pilot just trying to make it through the day. Then, attempting to knock myself out at night just so I didn't have to "be". That is no way to live my friends. I am tying to do better, but I will freely admit it isn't easy at all.
 I have dived back into writing pen pals. I am having a blast! I have been lucky to have found a few really great people. If you are interested, contact me. My email is jeannieholbrook@hotmail.com
You can find me on twitter at JensterRules,, I am on Facebook a lot you can find me on there at https://www.facebook.com/jeannie.holbrook.7. 
 I am gonna go attempt to  get caught.. I will post again soon!

Pen Pal and The Talented Mr. Joe Abercrombie

I recently decided that I was gonna start writing pen pal letters again. I still have three people that I have been writing since 2001. For a little over 14 years now. I didn’t realize that it had been that long since I started the first time. I posted an add on several pen pal sites and so far I have had good results. I am hoping to get at least ten solid regular pen pals. I suppose time will tell.

I have been in a funk lately. Been having trouble sleeping at night and I never have been good at taking naps during the day. Once I am wake I am up for the day. Add the sleepless nights with being uncomfortable and I am the biggest grouch I know. I even get on my own nerves. So, its been a tense few days around here.

I recently read Half the World by Joe Abercrombie. It was an amazing book. I loved it. I have yet to read a book by the talented Mr. Abercrombie that I have not liked. One of his books is my all time favorites, Best Served Cold. I think I am going to have to put Half the World in my top five books.

That's it for today.. until next time.. Take care and smile.

An update

Sometimes when we are confronted with our mortality, we become lost in the moment. We forget that even though at that exact moment we feel as though our whole world has crashed around us, we still have many more moments ahead of us. Even though we may feel like we are drowning in a pit of despair. Or at least that is how I feel here lately.

  I feel like I am being stretched too thin. Too many people want me to be something for them, a mother, sister, aunt, spouse, friend and etc. I have gotten lost in the shuffle and do not know my way back.  I feel like at times I do know how to be just Jeannie. I rarely have even twenty minutes of being alone. I think that is the thing that is bothering the most here lately. I am  not allowed to just be me. To not be responsible for someone else or deal with someone else’s drama, issues or problems.I just want twenty minutes of absolute quietness. The only problem with that is my mind is going in several different directions at the same time and nothing seems to calm my mind enough to be quiet. I just want to scream, but I am afraid that if I start screaming I won’t stop.

Enough of all that depressing thoughts. I never did finish High School. I got pregnant with Matt and ended up not being able to continue going to school. I have been saying every year that I will get my diploma/GED and never follow through with it. Well, I signed up yesterday. I finally found a program I could do from home, since I am unable at the current time to leave the house. I start next week and yes, I am nervous. As soon as I get my HS Diploma I am going to go to college. Yah me! We will see how it works out though.

  I have got two more books to beta read and a long list waiting on reviews. So, this weekend I am gonna spend my nose buried in books. Or at least that is the plan.

Till Next Time… Take care of yourself and smile..

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A very boring post

 It's another year already. Where has the time gone? It seems the older I get, the quicker time flies by. I decided not to make any resolutions this year. I never actually follow through with them anyway. I decided to stop making goals that I know that I will never get around to completing. So, I guess in a way I did in fact make a resolution. 

  I have had the flu. It's been horrid. I finally feel a little better. I still feel fairly bad, but I am getting better. Hopefully I will be back  to normal soon. I really don't like being sick at all. I get exhausted at nothing it seems. 

  The weather is suppose to turn cold this week. It is going to be 9° tomorrow. That is fracking cold! Good thing I won't be out in it huh? I feel for those that are gonna be outside. At least it's not gonna snow. 

  I got several reviews to do and post so look for those. I will also be having a contest coming up for a 25 dollar Amazon gift card.

Until then, take care of yourself and Smile.