I have always prided myself on being comfortable in my own skin, being happy with who I am . I have found that at times that is untrue. I am not comfortable being me sometimes or happy at all for that matter. At times I can not even bring myself to attempt to fake being happy. At times I feel like it is the whole world against me. I worry that regardless of how hard I try that I won’t be enough for those that are around me. I worry that if they could see behind the
fasade that I portray on a daily basis and see the real me hiding behind all my quirkiness they will realize that I am not who I claim to be. An imposter hiding within my soul.
I feel like there is this whole world that I sit on the
side lines, afraid to join in. I watch others around me laugh and smile and go on and on about this and that and I am in awe how easy it seems for them to be happy. Why is it elusive for me to feel that emotion? I can feel the sadness, emptiness, pain, agony, heartbreak and desperation. I know that I am loved. I know that I am wanted. I know
this but there is always a part of me that lets me doubt.
At times I can come off as being confident and self assured. That I am in control of my destiny. That I am in the driver seat and I am
gonna kick ass and take names. That I am capable of touching the stars. There is no stopping me. I seem almost ecstatically happy. Of course it never lasts long. I normally crash so hard that it's difficult to even get up and put on that fake smile.
I have bipolar disorder. I take my medicines every day. I try to stay as busy as I can because otherwise I let my thoughts take me to a very dark place. Even with the
meds I have a very difficult
days. Here lately it seems that I am having more and more bad days than good ones. I just try to take things one day at a time.
