I would like to take a moment and apologize for not being here the last few days. For those that don't know a little over a year ago my kidney decided that wanted to go on vacation without letting me know in advance. At the same time a couple blood clots thought it would be a good time to drop by my lungs for an unannounced visit. So, in retaliation to the total lack of manners the rest of my body decided it would just stop working...End result was some messed up crap. When I finally left CCU and went to the main floor of the hospital I couldn't do anything for myself. I couldn't walk or even feed myself. Which totally vexed me. With the help of a really awesome support team I have improved more than the doctors said I would already. I am not walking yet but its in my future. Along with all of this I have manic depression,social anxieties,diabetes and Agoraphobia. Since the "episode” I have memory lapses, attention problems as well as a stutter when I become excited or frustrated.
I am not sharing none of this for sympathy or pity. I really don't like pity. Please don't feel sorry for me because I honestly feel that I have become a stronger person. With all of that being said, my depression sometimes gets the best of me. Sometimes I feel like I have been swallowed by darkness. Its hard to not let myself succumb to it. I have to fight just to get up and paste on a smile for the world, at least my little corner of it.I have always had to fight this battle for as long as I can remember.For the past two weeks I have been really struggling with my demons.When I have thoughts that I everyone would be better off without all the burdens that goes along with me right now it takes all I have to remind myself that is not me talking. Its the darkness the resides in my mind that is slipping out of its cage.
That is why I have not been here much the last couple of weeks. If you could just bare with me I will make it through this “spell”.
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